Green

I feel like I should at least write to say that I passed the CPA exam.

After all of that sitting and waiting (and crying and being frustrated) good things have happened.

A lot of hard work has also happened. But I'm thinking it'll build some character. And provide some fresh material for my true calling--stand up comedy.

I now own Kathy Griffin's "Official Book Club Selection" Shirley Maclaine's book "I'm over all that" and Julie Andrew's memoir "Home". I haven't made it halfway through any of them, but it makes me smile when I see my BA's sitting by my bed at night.

I went to a church on Sunday. It was a small church about an hour away and I went with a friend because she was taking some Stetson students there so it was a fun excuse to see some friends.

We walked into a sunday school class of adults prob 50ish-60ish. It would've been easy to be sarcastic and cynical about the things they were saying and the discussion. But PTL that something about the conversation hit home. The honesty and vulnerability. The realness was fresh and rejuvenating. It was like finally coming home after an exhausting trip. My friend later described it as walking into a hug.

The service was equally as moving. No lights, no ultra-contemporary music. The only people under 40 were in our group. It was beautiful. The entire thing.

One of the hymns' lyrics included: "Listen the prayers of your children, bring us love, bring us power, bring us peace." One of the things the pastor mentioned was about grief and dealing with loss. He also spoke about Job and his honesty with God.

Something about the service made humbled me. It was beautiful and heartfelt and real. My heart was at peace.


I had a wonderful conversation with my mother this past weekend about religion and politics. (how often do you hear that sentence?!) Afterwards I sat and thought about what a gracious Father I have..to give me such wonderful parents. The older I get the more thankful I am for my parents. If I'm ever a parent, I hope to bring to the table at least half of what they've given freely to me.


Right now, life is Green. (no, this is not a rip off of T. Swift's new album..or I guess it is an i'm pissed that I'm referencing her on my blog) It's not the flashy red or orange or yellow. It doesn't quite have the majesty of a deep purple or blue. But life isn't always attractive. Its not always about majesty and grace. Sometimes life is mediocre. But pain means we're alive.

Life is hard. God is good. Sometimes I let myself believe the lie that those are mutually exclusive things...God is good and life is still hard. Life is hard and God is still good.

I'm working, but more importantly than that, God is working in me.

It really hits me, sometimes, how much love He has for us. I hope to love more like Him tomorrow.

Bee Tea Dubs, I want to be a mom someday.

Here I Sit

So here I sit, in my new apartment.

Here I sit, with an alarm set at an incredibly ungodly hour to wake me up for another day in my new job.

Here I sit, in anticipation of the next (and final) CPA Exam score.

Here I sit, alone with my thoughts and my heavy heart.

Here I sit, in tears for the many things I've lost in the past three months.

Here I sit, in hope that the next few months bring about a fresh start in my life.


Here I sit, tired. Exhausted. Weary, Broken.

Here I sit. Waiting for something to make me happy again, knowing that happiness lies within and that I need help out of this hole that I feel like I've fallen into.

Here I sit, thankful for the strong relationship with my family--who has been my rock this summer.

Here I sit, the past behind me, the possibilities in front on me but here I sit, unable to move in either direction---paralyzed by my inadequacies.

Here I sit, with music and the desire to dance.

Here I sit today. But tomorrow I will stand.

I will stand and put one foot in front of the other and dare to move from my seat.

I refuse to be an audience member of my own life.

Things I'd rather do instead of studying

1) Finish at least one of the three books I'm in the middle of
2) Count to 653492801924. and then backwards.
3) Take a shower. One over 10 minutes long.
4) Get a pedicure.
5) Tell 4 jokes to an audience.
6) play 5 hours of 90s games on the original Super Nintendo
7) Watch Moonrise Kingdom again.
8) Clean my room
9) Shop for an apartment
10) Take the 5 glasses in my room downstairs to the dishwasher.
11) Make a chair out of the vintage suitcase i bought last month.
12) Call 3 friends I haven't talked to in weeks and catch up.
13) Pack a suitcase and see how long I can survive on the Appalachian trail
14) Go to the gym for 40 minutes.
15) Use the sparklers that I bought for 4th of July.
16) Wear a sundress
17) Buy a puppy
18) Do laundry
19) Take a nap
20) Make an orthodontist appointment to get a new retainer.
21) Jump off a cliff (see footnote one)
22) Bake Christmas cookies while listening to Nsync's "Happy Holidays"
23) So some basic Algebra problems
24) Hand-write letters to my favorite celebrities
25) Make a list of things I want to do instead of studying on my Blog.

FootnoteOne:Okay, that was a tad dramatic. But you should know I would jump off a cliff, given the fact that underneath me is some exotic ocean and I was sure I wouldn't die. . .

Moonrise Kingdom

GO YE THEREFORE AND WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!!

Into the Fray

So yesterday after I got out of probably the worst exam performances of my life, I went directly to A1) Chic Fil A and B2) The Red Box (at this really sketchy gas station down the street from my apartment...but it didn't matter. I was willing to fight the crazies for a little reprieve from the intense-stress-world I've been putting myself in)

I was looking for anything really, but I ended up with "The Grey" and some movie from like 10 years ago about the reality of love or something. I don't even know. I blame it on lack of sleep and the fact that Bradley Cooper's picture was on the front.

Anyway. I watched The Grey first, and good thing because it was pretty suspenseful and my coping skills (or lack thereof) really weren't prepared for all that ensued. Here's an image to help you realize what I had to endure.

It was nice to watching some thoughtless movie afterward and let my blood pressure return to normal.

Anyway.

There was this poem in The Grey that really intrigued me. After some quick iphone googling, I found that the director actually wrote this poem (which was kind of disappointing as I wanted to discover some really historic origin, but overall really impressive).

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live and die on this day.
Live and die on this day."

When I think about how much I take my days for granted this poem reminds us to live each day as a life of its own. To be born with the morning and lay to rest at night. Living and dying each day is far from taking crazy risks and doing once-in-a-lifetime activities on a daily basis.

Rather, let us be reminded to live days worth being proud of. Choosing things to be thankful for. And remembering that we're not guaranteed the next.

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Bee Tea Dubs: I'd also like to take a moment to let you guys know that i was really saddened to hear that Andy Griffith died recently. Matlock, you will forever be one of my heros.

Heartbreak Warfare

With a month and a half of clarity (that's a joke), I feel like I'm qualified to readdress the transition that I'm currently undergoing.

I don't think it takes the readers of this blog very long to know that I don't have much relationship experience. (Considering the fact that the people who read this blog are all my friends and know personally this information, I'm very confident about the prior statement.) I don't know much about love and haven't felt the sting of pain that is lost love either. That is, until May 12, 2012.

I have experienced my first heartbreak.

Before you get too excited (not that any of you have jumped to any conclusions or anything because, again, you all know me too personally) I should say that my lost love is college.

After four years of building a relationship, giving my mind, body and soul to the experience (maybe I should have used different words there?! oops.) I had to walk away.

Correction, I was forced to walk away. Because college broke up with me, not the other way around. After a rocky start, things heated up pretty quickly and we never looked back. That's not to say there weren't hard times. But college and I, we didn't give up on each other--we worked through them. We stayed up together all night in the library fighting it out and we had great make-up QT in the quad afterward.

In all seriousness. Driving away from my home that I loved so much (and still love) I actually said out loud "ouch". For the first time I thought I felt my heart physically hurting. I wondered, "Is this heartbreak?"

After talking to Jessica during one of our weekend wrap-ups I confirmed my symptoms. This was heartbreak, alright...and of the worst degree.

Now obviously I'm not that attached to just the name of the university I attended, nor even the education I received for that matter. But just like any "real" love story, there was a romeo and juliet and the experience (and mainly the people who created it) captivated me with its charm. (I hope you got the sarcasm RE: romeo...I couldn't even leave the possibility that you might misread that as me romanticizing. )

And then after sadness there was a kind of anger/jealousy about the fact that it's moving on without me. How could it treat me like we "never loved at all?" How can it do that--just act like we never happened. Here I am wasting so much wasted energy wishing that it'd come back to me, but it doesn't give me a second thought?!

Every song that comes on the radio reminds me of a memory we shared or a significant event in our relationship.

I still go to sleep at night still reminiscing on the "good times". And I wonder what the statue of limitations is on being able to do that without being completely lame.

Sigh, Must've been love. But it's over now.

"You Are Not Special: A Message for Graduates"

May

The brief:


--I graduated college
--I'm in a CPA class
--I'm reading Tina Fey's "Bossypants"


The little-more-than-brief:


--I got the chance to spend four years in a protected environment where I could pursue higher education and higher purpose. I was able learn more about love in the way a group of people came together from diverse backgrounds and chose to accept and chose to invite others to belong..I learned that God is in everyone. When I'm talking to people, I'm talking to God. That has forever changed how I treat people that are different than me, and just how I treat people in general. I'm forever grateful for that lesson. I appreciate the ability to walk away knowing a lot less than when I was dropped off four years ago. Funny how the image of how the chapter started and ended was very similar: me in sunglasses crying. But the reality of the situation was so much different. I am walking away not only a more educated person in the way of my discipline, but more importantly in a deeper understanding of who I am and who I want to be.

“I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing.” -Donald Miller


--I thought that this experience would be the most exhausting, challenging, and futile situation. I also thought I would be a complete emotional mess from leaving so many people that I love so dearly and my "home". But this week has been oddly peaceful. Don't get me wrong. I get up at 7:30 every morning, begin studying and don't stop until 10 or 11 (leaving an hour for lunch and dinner). And I've done that for 5 days straight. So mentally, and physically--I'm exhausted. But the work has proved rewarding, and it genuinely feels good to have a goal and feel focused.

Now we could get into the details about how I'm a control freak and since it is overly-apparent that I am not in control in any aspect of my life right now, I am trying to control the one thing I can. Or how I'm using my work to run from dealing with grief and change. We could go there, but we won't. (And now you can add denial to the list.)



--Tina is just funny. And insightful. I reserved my bedside table for my "personal" items so that I'd remind myself that I am human. There sits Ellen, Tina, and Betty along with my Dawson's Creek Collection, owl stationary in an Owl, and a small orange porcelain dwarf man. We won't talk about what this says about who I am. I've read 80 pages of Tina despite the fact that I'm reading all day long. I get excited about where my life could end up when I look at my desk of funnies. One day I'll be brave enough to use my funny to be insightful instead of using my funny to hide.

Sunshine Song

What Would Have Been:

These are the last four weeks of college. . .trying to wrap my mind around that fact seems like the most impossible task. I had the great honor of being considered for senior speaker of my graduation. I found out tonight that I wasn't chosen--which kind of has a sting to it--but I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to go through the process and to be able to digest some of the feelings that I have for this place I call home.

I took a risk, and pursued something I was interested in. And didn't get it. And that's the beauty of loss--the only way of knowing exactly how deeply I cared. I don't normally actually show what I truley want for fear of getting hurt. Vulnerability is a difficult thing to practice--but I did that and for that I am proud.

So, because I did stay up until 3:30AM writing a speech to present, I figured I wouldn't waste that lost sleep. Here is what would've been.

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"Significantly Insignificant"

Recently I have read a book by a researcher from the University of Houston, Dr. Brene Brown. Her research falls in the sometimes painfully personal topic of human emotion. In her book she discusses some of the traits she has found common in what she refers to as the “wholehearted” individual—someone who embraces authenticity and worthiness.

One of the major points she notes is the universal need for love and belonging. Dr. Brown defines belonging as “the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.”

According to her research, we as humans try to acquire this belonging by fitting in and seeking approval but she emphasize the fact that these are not substitutes for belonging yet barriers to it. Instead, belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world.

I open with this working definition of belonging because this is what defines my Stetson Experience. Choosing to be a part of the Stetson community means choosing to be a part of something so much larger than ourselves as individuals.

And, from my experience, choosing to be a part of the community here means being embraced for exactly who we are—and challenged to be a better version of ourselves in the process.

There is an interesting dynamic that occurs when we experience belonging—we begin to see how important it is for us to be less important than the community as a whole—and how, consequently that concept creates a greater sense of self-importance.

There is an irony about gaining self-worth by making ourselves less.

In business, one might use synergy as an example of this kind of anomaly.

Synergy occurs when the parts working together produce a result not obtainable by the parts independently.

That the different functions come together to offer their gifts to a business that can in turn create a much larger presence than any single accountant or marketing analyst could individually.

---

I realize that, in a room filled with prestigious music school faculty and students, I take a great risk making this next example. I acknowledge that fact and do so anyway.

In music, the grace note occurs as notes of short duration before the sounding of the relatively longer-lasting note which immediately follows them.

The grace notes can be considered harmonically subservient to the longer note which it precedes.

However, in some pieces, it serves as the only way to differentiate between notes and is crucial to artwork as a whole.

The University developed a motto two years ago that it uses in its marketing materials—the theme “Dare to Be Significant”

What a challenge to all of us—not to just dream to be successful but to yearn to make a difference—to matter in our world. I wholeheartedly agree with this challenge and what it means the University believes its students and faculty can achieve.

I do, however, want to add something to this statement.

I think we would all agree that a college graduation is a significant event in our lives. But with every significant moment, comes a multitude of insignificant ones that brought us there.

When we look back on our collegiate experience I doubt we will remember much about this ceremony.

I doubt we will remember the speakers or what they said, myself included.

We will, however, remember what are seemingly insignificant moments
The 2AM conversations with our roommate about faith, reason, and politics—things that should never have been discussed that late.

The afternoons spend reading in the Quad, and being okay with all of the interruptions of friends as they passed by

And countless other times where we have experienced what it means to belong—what it means to be a part of something bigger than ourselves—to have been significantly insignificant.

When we remember our time at Stetson we will find that what has been significant to us about this experience, was not bought with money, fame, wisdom, or power—(although there has been a significant amount of money invested here.)

But instead, the important things have been felt—and the significance has come from an embrace of the present

Some here today may have significant gifts and talents that can lead to large profit margins and life-changing new products.

Let us not limit our ability to succeed by overlooking the value that comes from working together.
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Our lives are a culmination of notes of different lengths—some pieces have a great rhythm and others, a strong chorus.

We must not forget the grace notes that have served to accent the more prominent periods in our lives.
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So, as we go on our separate paths, let us dare to be significant.

But, in doing so, let us dare to embrace the beauty of the moment—as insignificant as it may seem.

Let us not forget the significance of insignificance.

Thoughts in Solitude

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."

-Thoughts in Solitude, Thomas Merton, Image Books, 1968

If I Should Have A Daughter

Bee Tea Dubs. . . just watch the first 4 minutes if you don't have time for the whole video. . . It's worth it!

The fact of the matter is

I'm tapping into my old bad habit of ignoring the fact that I have an 8:30AM class, and instead blogging because I have this wonderful bit of excitement and I don't know why.

Here are some possibilities:

1) This Ray LaMontagne pandora station that is currently breeding joy in my heart and lovely whispers in my ears.

2) I'm reading a new book, "The Gift of Imperfection" from one of my new favs, researcher of human emotion and professional storyteller, Brene Brown.

3) The hunger games movie comes out in a month and I have a date with the bestie from MS/HS/College/Forever, Danielle. (side note, Danielle seems so happy in her new relationship and that is a prayer answered and also makes me happy to see)

4)CCF mission trip is in 4 weeks! I'm really super stoked that everyone will be all together for a week and can't wait to see new relationships formed and life change in some of my closest college family members.

5) Last night, I went to Status, a church in Orlando. Driving by my soon to be office and my soon to be home was a great reminder of what will soon be my reality. And the speaker spoke from Nehemiah 6--which was one of the bible study lessons that we did every week summer 2010 when I worked FUGE--a wonderful reminder of what the Lord has brought me through and blessed me by.


I think number 5 may be the biggest reason for my renewed excitement. The main point of the message was pride and how it's an inaccurate view of who I am and/or who God is. I appreciated one of the sub-points on "remembering who is sovereign" and not letting fear dictate how me make decisions because (and this is the real kick in the gut) "fear is the antithesis of the Gospel."

It's very safe to say that I've been living in fear this year of what happens after I leave this place. When I go from college student/professional bumm...to just plain professional.

I fear many things. . .that I'll fail (on so many levels), I fear loneliness, I fear not living life to the fullest, I fear loss (of friends, of free time, of myself).

And the fact of the matter is. . . the gospel says otherwise.

The fact of the matter is. . it's time to stop living in fear of what might be and start owning the fact that it doesn't matter because I know WHO Was, Is, and Will Be.

Letting Go.

In direct contrast to the title of this blog here are some of the many things I've gained over the last month of silence. . .

-4 weeks of no homework, which is related to the increase in sleep
-a GPS for my new job so that I don't turn the wrong way on one way streets
-a Christmas lunch at a Chinese buffet!
-a few days with a dear friend, which included watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and "Miracle on 34th Street" (the original)
-lots of backroad driving time
-Visit to the Atlanta Aquarium with my sis and her friends
-messages from Louie Giglio, Christine Caine, Francis Chan, John Piper, and Beth Moore
-Fried green tomatoes made by my uncle Jerry.
-seeing off a friend to Texas via a beautiful wedding ceremony
-a revival of the soul

I'm grateful for the things/moments/transformation that I've gained.


And in similar fashion, I'm so happy that my heart has been broken over the past month. I'm so happy that I've been given the gift of letting go.

Letting go my pride to admit that I'm really screwed up most of the time. And living in the inexplicable freedom that comes from knowing that the Lord sees me as beautiful anyway.

Letting go of control in order to embrace the day--in all its interruptions and spontaneous miscues that lead to new opportunities.

Letting go, to pursue what we've been called to do today.

letting go for peace, for growth, for the morning.


at some point over break it occurred to me that surrender is not always loosing. sometimes its giving up the very thing that is weighing me down in order to gain something that I've been longing for all along.

It hurts to let go. To see relationships change. To be made vulnerable and open to discomfort.

The reward is worth it.

Bee Tea Dubs, "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere." -James 3:17