Hope Event Totem

I was asked to do a good morning, wakeup, something something on Hope for our highschool Hope Event weekend. I was asked specifically to go for the style that I did at Vespers last semester on Worship and tried to aim it at the high school audience. While I found it a lot more difficult to write, I finally finished it a couple nights before. I promised I'd post it, so here it is.



A forewarning: Some of the material I re-used from the worship totem, previous blogs, and Molly deserves credit for the devotion on Bartimeaous, Jenni for introducing me to Perfect Peace.



While I do apologize for my grammatical errors, lame writing skills, and silly choices of story, I do not apologize for the truth embedded throughout. Enjoy.

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My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus name.

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I spent most of my high school years in fear of many things--

Fear that I would fail

Fear that I wouldn’t live up to my potential

That I wouldn’t ace this test, wouldn’t make this team,

Wouldn’t have a date to prom, wouldn’t get into the ‘right college’

Fear that I would embarrass myself in front of my friends,

Fear that people wouldn’t think I was funny.

Fear that of what the future held,

It was exhausting and enslaving.

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Hope seems so futuristic, which in turn to me has always seemed rather hopeless for the present.

We “hope” the weather will be good tomorrow,

Hope that the week will quickly turn to the weekend

We hope our parents don’t find out about the grade we got on our last exam.

Give me some hope for the pit I’m in now, please.

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I was reading a book in my parent’s house during winter break and a quote from a prisoner in a concentration camp during the Holocaust caught my attention:

I believe in the sun, even though it doesn’t shine,

I believe in love, even when it isn’t shown,

I believe in God, even when he doesn’t speak.

I couldn’t imagine the experiences and the things that the person who carved these words into the walls of the barracks had to witness. I can’t imagine the pain and the hopelessness in that situation. It’s amazing that this quote seems to have a hint of hope in it.

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God did this so that,…we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. –Hebrews 6:18-19

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During my junior year of high school, my church, where my father was the pastor went through some rough times.

I saw people who had always seemed so nice to me act completely the opposite.

I saw people get hurt by other people that they were supposed to be in unity with.

I saw my family slowly become torn apart by stress and tension

I saw this “Christian” building, with these “Christian people” treating each other without any common decency.

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Fear in the bible seemed to be a little confusing sometimes.

It always talks about fearing the Lord, and wrath and justice

But also talks about the everlasting, unconditional love of the Lord—mercy and grace.

I got a new understanding of how to interpret fear when I was listening to a sermon the other day.

The things we fear are the things we most value.

Think about it. When we fear our lives not meaning anything, means we place a very high value on success.

When we fear the Lord, we value Him and His Word above all else.

It was a new perspective on fear for me, and it challenged me to look at my biggest fears and see how they may be consuming my life.

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“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

Psalm 42:5

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Show me the money. The famous words of the agent on the movie Jerry McGuire.

Money has such an emphasis in society today.

Stemming from keeping up with the Jones’, trying to keep status,

Making sure we have the right brand of clothes,

The right cars, the right smartphones, and the list goes on

And when we grow up it doesn’t change….the right investments, jobs, 401k retirement plans.

We want to live in the right neighborhoods, and have our kids enrolled in the right schools, we even want to go to the “right church”.

If you asked a bunch of investors in the early 2000s about how hopeful they were for their future, I’m sure you would’ve gotten some pretty good responses.

Ask them again in 2007 and note the change.

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Lyrics from one of my new favorite songs entitled “Perfect Peace” by Laura Story go like this:

“Stay close by my side. Keep your eyes on me. Though this life is hard. I will give you perfect peace.”

“In this time of trial pain that no one sees. Trust me when I say I will give you perfect peace.”

“And you’ll never walk alone, and you’ll never be in need. Though I may not calm the storms around you, you can hide in me.

Burdens that you bear, offer no relief. Let me bear your load cause I will give you perfect peace.”

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So when do we need hope?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think about hope when things are going my way.

When I’m at the beach on a summer day with my friends and there’s a nice breeze, and I’ve got great music on my ipod and the sun is nice and a big blue beautiful sky is overhead.

I rarely think about hope.

But when an earthquake destroys Haiti, or I get a call saying that a friend has died of cancer

I search for hope. I cling to hope. I long for hope.

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During the difficult time in my church I got really close to my youth pastor and his wife.

They listened to me cry, and they cried with me.

We prayed together, and I would often come over to their house during the week just to hang out.

Last year my youth pastor and his wife went through a nasty divorce filled with adultery and deceit.

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“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

My hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

Pour out your hearts to him

For God is our refuge.”

Psalm 62:5-8

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I am a sucker for romantic comedies.

I’ve seen a ton of them, some of them good, some not-so-much, but I just love a good love story.

The movie He’s just not that into you centers around this girl who doesn’t get the signals of guys that really aren’t interested. But her friends enable her to believe things like he lost her number

Or he got in an accident and is in the hospital,

Or some other far-fetched reason why he hasn’t called her or returned her calls.

Her entire life is centered around finding the guy of her dreams.

But time after time things just don’t work out.

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In Christ alone, my hope is found.

He is my light, my strength, my song.

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.

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America has a sincere obsession with self-improvement.

The bookstores are filled with self-help books with the latest 7 step program on how to make yourself a better individual.

We go to conferences with motivational speakers trying to empower ourselves and remind ourselves that we are worth it.

Are we worth it?

We turn on our televisions and listen to Oprah or Dr. Phil’s latest theory on our pyschy so that we may better understand why we make the decisions we make.

And that’s not even tapping into the ungodly number of trend diets, weight-loss programs, and gym membership specials that we jump into.

Continually trying to improve, to gain something more, never finding satisfaction in how we are now, or what we achieved already.

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Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

1 Timothy 6:17

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I read the book “The Hiding Place” recently and would recommend it to all of you. It is written by a woman named Corrie Ten Boom who survived the Holocaust after being a prisoner in concentration camps for over a year. The book is very moving and it’s interesting to see how Corrie’s faith plays such a large role in how she survived the darkest of times.

The most well-known quote from the book is Corrie’s statement that “there is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.”

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What heights of love, what depths of peace.

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand.

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Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord.

O Lord, Hear my voice.
Let Your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning. More than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with his is full redemption.

He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.

Psalm 130:1-8

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During my middle school years you might have thought I was the main character from He’s Just not that into you.

As there always is in middle school, there was a boy. But not just a boy, it was the boy.
Don’t even look at me like you are confused, you’ve all been there. Middle school love is a beautiful thing.

Talk about a hopeless situation.

Anyway, it was so beautiful.

For all of 2 and a half weeks.

Yea, he broke up with me on Valentine’s Day.

And that was the end of my middle school love. Just like that, all the energy and time and thought I had put into what I was sure would have been a very meaningful relationship was wasted.

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Paul Baloche’s song entitled Hosanna includes these lyrics

Praise is rising, eyes are turing to You, we turn to You.

Hope is stirring, hearts are yearning for You, we long for You.

‘Cause when we see You, we find strength to face the day

In Your Presence all our fears are washed way, washed away.

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In The Hiding Place Corrie talks about a childhood memory of when her Aunt was diagnosed with diabetes. It was a death sentence for her and as the family told her about the few weeks she would have to live they began trying to comfort her by telling her about all of the great accomplishments in her life. She had helped feed the poor, started many organizations, even written music. These events followed:

Tante Jans put her hands over her eyes and began to cry. ‘Empty, empty!’ she choked at last through her tears. ‘How can we bring anything to God? What does He care for our little tricks and trinkets?’

And then as we listened in disbelief she lowered her hands and, with tears still coursing down her face, whispered, “Dear Jesus, I thank You that we must come with empty hands. I thank You that You have done all-all—on the cross, and that all we need in life or death is to be sure of this.’

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The Lord’s pleasure is not in the strength of a horse, nor his delight in the legs of a man;

The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.”

-Pslams 147:10-11

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Do you not know? have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

-Isaiah 40:28-31

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I think all of my high school fears could be all in one category: The fear that I was inadequate.

I think that this is a lot of both student and adult fears.

We try so hard to fit in, to be a part of the “in” crown, to keep the “right” image, to be a part of the “right” story, and we fear that we will never be good enough.

A friend introduced me to a devotion about a blind man named Bartimaeous in Mark chapter 10. He is a blind man who is deemed as an outcast by society.

Jesus is walking through with the disciples and the blind man calls out to him, saying Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me. The people in the crowd who are following Jesus rebuke him, and tell him to be quite. He is not worthy of getting to talk to Jesus. He’s definitely deemed as inadequate.

However, Jesus stops and comes over to him and heals him, telling him that his faith has healed him. He Bartimaeous jumps to his feet and follows Jesus.

I have always loved how Bart. Jumps up and immediately acts on his newfound hope. And the cloth that was holding all the money he had been begging for is thrown to the side.

The one thing that had mattered to him was thrown to the side so that he could jump up and follow this hope.

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I love the song “Your Love Never fails” by Jesus Culture

I know I still make mistakes but You have new mercies for me every day. Your love never fails.

You stay the same through the ages. Your love never changes. There may be pain in the night, but Joy comes in the morning. And when the oceans rage, I don’t have to be afraid because I know that You love me. Your love never fails.

You make all things work together for my good.

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Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us.

Romans 5:3-5

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There are so many things that I have placed my hope in.

I have hoped in the approval of my friends,

I have hoped in the right job, the perfect paycheck, the right clothes, and new technology.

I have placed hope in friendships, in relationships, and in dreams I hoped to one day come true.

We hope in self-help books, in advice from knowledgeable people, and in doing the “right” thing.

We hope in money, success and power.

We hope in our youth leaders, our parents, and other “good” people.

We even hope in silly things like middle school loves, and in weather forecasts.

I have only experienced one hope that has stood the test of time, the test of circumstance and that has never let me down.

The hope of Christ’s love for us through his death on the cross has broken through the fears of my inadequacy, has ignored any cultural, socioeconomic, language, or even high school clique barriers, and has penetrated the depths of my being.

And yes, there is hope in the eternal life, but more than that there is a present hope that I don’t have to wait for.

This Hope was with Corrie Ten Boom in the darkest places of a concentration camp,

And this Hope has provided me a peace in the midst of difficult news, and inexplicable tragedy. This Hope conquers my fears and sets me free.

The Hope doesn’t guarantee that my circumstances on this earth would be easy to handle, but rather that it is bigger than any circumstance I will ever encounter and therefore will never fail me.

This Hope is rooted in things like grace and mercy, which conquers my constant failure.

And we are given Hope so that we, like Bartimeaous, would jump up and run with it. And spread the hope.

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“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In His great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.” -1 Peter 1:3

Recovery.

So I survived the weekend. I'll try to find some pics and write about the weekend later this week. But for now, a few pictures of my afternoon plan of recovery. . . .

Lesson Four: The Fleas that I should be Thankful for.

The final part of the book I wanted to share is rather long excerpt. I apologize that I'm not good at picking out a few sentences or keeping these blogs short. I'll work on it for the ones to follow.

To give you some setting, Corrie and her sister Betsie have been imprisoned in various concentration camps for almost a year. They have just arrived at a new concentration camp, Ravensbruck in Germany--the infamous women's execution camp. This is by far the most crowed camp, with the worst living conditions. They must crawl over hundreds of women in tons of bunked barracks to find their assigned spot, and when they do they find that this is infested with fleas...

"Betsie, how can we live in such a place?
'Show us. Show us how.' It was said so matter of factly it took me a second to realize she was praying. More and more the distinction between prayer and the rest of life seemed to be vanishing for Betsie.

'Corrie!' she said excitedly. 'He's given us the answer! Before we asked as He always does! In the Bible this morning. Where was it? Read that part again!'

I glanced down the long dim aisle to make sure no guard was in sight then drew the Bible from its pouch. 'It was first Thessalonians,' I said. We were on our third complete reading of the New Testament since leaving Scheveningen. In the feeble light I turned the pages. 'Here it is:

'Comfort the frightened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that none of you repays evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to all....'

It seemed written expressly to Ravensbruck.
'Go on,' said Betsie. 'That wasn't all

'to one another and to all. Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus--'

'That's it Corrie! That's His answer. 'Give thanks in all circumstances!' That's what we can do. We can start right now to thank God for every single thing about this new barracks!'

I stared at her, then around me at the dark, foul-aired room. 'Such as,' I said.
'Such as being assigned here together.'
I bit my lip. 'Oh yes, Lord Jesus!'
'Such as what you're holding in your hands.'
I looked down at the Bible. 'Yes! Thank You, dear Lord, that there was no inspection when we entered here! Thank You for all the women, here in this room, who will meet You in these pages.'

'Yes,' said Betsie 'Thank You for the very crowding here. Since we're packed so close, that many more will hear!' She looked at me expectantly. 'Corrie!' she prodded.

'Oh, all right. Thank You for the jammed, crammed, stuffed, packed, suffocating crowds.'

'Thank You,' Betsie went on serenely, 'for the fleas and for--'

The fleas! This was too much. 'Betsie, there's no way even God can make me grateful for a flea.'

'Give thanks in all circumstances,' she quoted. 'It doesn't say, in pleasant circumstances. Fleas are part of this place where God has put us.'

And so we stood between piers of bunks and gave thanks for fleas. But this time I was sure Betsie was wrong.

Later in their stay at Ravensbruck, Corrie came in after her work day to find Betsie (who was too sick for outside work) waiting with excitment in her face. Betsie explained they had found why they had had so much freedom in their part of the barracks. (Throughout the stay, the guards wouldn't do inspections on their side, and without rounds, Corrie and Betsie were allowed to have more open readings of the Bible every night. They had translators there and they called it their own worship service.) Betsie went on to tell her that they had asked one of the guards to come in to answer some question and the guard refused---because the guard said the place was crawling with fleas.

Corrie's thoughts: my mind rushed back to our first hour in this place. I remembered Betsie's bowed head, remembered her thanks to God for creatures I could see no use for.

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I must continue to remind myself to choose thankfulness in all circumstances. I will never know when the Lord is using things I find as annoying or frustrating as fleas for my good.

Your previously scheduled program will resume after this brief interruption...

I have one more post on The Hiding Place but I wanted to take a moment and let the blog world know that I am officially a summer employee of Batts, Morrison, Wales & Lee CPA firm in Orlando, FL.

I'm pretty much dead, but if I weren't I'd be excited enough to do some back-flips or something.

I woke up at 5:30am, was out the door by 7, and arrived at the office around 8 o'clock. After meeting with the office administrator who has walked me through this 4 month process and being introduced to most of the office staff, I began my first of 5 half hour interviews + 2 hour lunch. It was a busy morning for sure, and I'm not sure I heard a word of the lectures in my classes this afternoon.

All of the people there were so welcoming, encouraging, and comforting. I know, however, that my peace came only from the Lord. It's inexplicable, really, the power of prayer and of knowing this is what I am called to do this summer. That's exciting.

I could go on, but let's not overdo it.

bee tea dubs....If you want to know more about the company, click here...today I met with the four shareholders and a team leader.

Lesson Three: The ways I cannot Love.

Corrie describes what she says is the only romantic love she ever experienced--she met her brother's friend Karel at the college they attended and the two had an instant connection. Years later, they lived temporarily in the same town, and grew to have a very close friendship, which blossomed into a courtship where they would discuss marriage and their future. Her brother warned her that Karel would have to marry someone more wealthy because this is what his parents wished for him to do, but Karel and Corrie kept in touch with each other through many letters. Corrie noticed that Karel's letters were coming less frequent but continued to write him, still caring deeply about him.

A few months later, Karel arrived at Corrie's home--with his fiance! Corrie tried to manage the entire visit keeping busy and the appearance of normalcy, but knew her family could tell she was deeply hurt. After Karel left she went straight to her room. She heard her father's footsteps and hoped that he wouldn't go on some cliche speech about how there would be someone else soon enough--because she knew for some reason that there truly wouldn't. Instead, these are his words to Corrie.


"Corrie,' he began instead, 'do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain.

There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel.

God loves Karel--even more than you do--and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way.'

I did not know, as I listened to Father's footsteps winding back down the stairs, that he had given me more than the key to this hard moment. I did not know that he had put into my hands the secret that would open far darker rooms than this--places where there was not, on a human level, anything to love at all.

I was still in kindergarten in these matters of love. My task just then was to give up my feeling for Karel without giving up the joy and wonder that had grown with it. And so, that very, hour, lying there on my bed, I whispered the enormous prayer:

'Lord, I give to You the way I feel about Karel, my thoughts about our future--oh, You know! Everything! Give me Your way of seeing Karel instead. Help me to love him that way. That much.'"
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"Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

All too often this gets associated with a romantic context, when in reality it can be applied to so much more.

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"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy'. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. -Matthew 5:43-45a

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go back to the characteristics of love described in 1 Corinthians.
and apply that in the context of the girl that just cussed you out at work
or in a concentration camp to Nazi soldiers.

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When I think about the ways I do not love even those who are 'easy' to love-- my friends, my family, my coworkers, the teens I mentor--I know that if Corrie was in the kindergarten stage of love, I am most definitely a pre-schooler. Much less those who rejected, alone, in other nations, different, mean, and guarded. Even more less imagining loving those who tortured me, imprisoned me, and killed my family.

I must also remember the ways I cannot be loved without the love of the Lord. For there is nothing to love that is of my flesh. And we know that God showed his love among us through Jesus (John 4:9...just read 7-21)...so that I could live..and love...through Him.

I cannot truly love on my own--only through the Lord.

My prayer is that my old, human, imperfect "love" (i put this in quotes, because it really doesn't deserve the same word. . .it's selfish, and full of sin) would continually taken away and replaced by that perfect love that only He can provide.


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So Lord, like Corrie, I want to give You the way I feel about my family, friends, neighbors, the homeless, the mean-hearted, the lost, broken, rejected and abused. Give me Your way of seeing them instead. Help me to love them that way. That much."

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And bee tea dubs...."Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heard and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." -Matthew 22:37-40

"And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." -Philippians 1:9-11

Lesson Two: The things I cannot take with me.

One day Corrie and her mother go to serve food to a poorer family in the neighborhood. She is about 7, and while visiting she notices the baby not moving in her crib. She reached to touch the baby, finding that she is lifeless and cold. This haunts her the rest of the day, and affects her eating as well as her sleeping. When her father came to tuck her and her sister in that night he discovered what was wrong. With this, Corrie began to beg her father to never die and leave her because she needs him.

"Corrie, he began gently, 'when you and I go to Amsterdam--when do I give you your ticket?"
"Why just before we get on the train."
"Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things, too. Don't run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need--just in time."


Fast forward ten years or more. Her aunt, who had lived with them had diabetes and she had been given the news that she would only have a few weeks left to live. In the attempt to comfort her, the family began to tell her what a full life she had lived, naming all of the accomplishments...

"Tante Jans put her hands over her eyes and began to cry. 'Empty, empty!' she choked at last through her tears. 'How can we bring anything to God? What does He care for our little tricks and trinkets?'

And then as we listened in disbelief she lowered her hands and, with tears still coursing down her face, whispered, "Dear Jesus, I thank You that we must come with empty hands. I thank You that You have done all--all--on the cross, and that all we need in life or death is to be sure of this.'

Mama threw her arms around her and they clung together. But I stood rooted to the spot, knowing that I had seen a mystery.

It was Father's train ticket, given at the moment itself."

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'Empty-handed, but alive in Your hands.'

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No matter how much I stress about what will come of my life. The fear of not making a difference, about not being successful.

At the end of my life, these things will still leave me empty-handed.

A great reminder of what I can and cannot take with me when I leave. Am I making good investments of my time and money?

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"For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all those who have loved his appearing. -2 Timothy 4:6-8

My Hiding Place: Lesson One--The things I cannot carry.

"You are my hiding place and my shield. I hope in your word."

-Psalm 119:114

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For the last 48 hours, I've had the opportunity to read The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom.

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(sidenote: Ms. ten Boom was a Dutch watchmaker who, in the midst of WWII, worked as a leader in the underground mission to help Jews and other underground workers escape from the Nazis. She is also considered 'one of the most remarkable evangelists of the 20th century'. She and her family were arrested for their 'crimes' and she served a year in various prisons and concentration camps, her last in the infamous women extermination camp Ravensbruck in Germany. She was released a week before many were murdered due to a mistake in her paperwork and spent the rest of her life continuing to share her story about how 'there is no pit that God's love is not deeper still.')

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I've really loved the book for many reasons; because I think it's a good story, because it has a good message, because there are characters with which I an relate, because I enjoy reading personal accounts on historical events, because I enjoyed the language in which the book was written, but mostly because of the biblical truths that were evident throughout what should have been a horrible nightmare, but what was many people's gut wrenching reality.

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Because this book has so much that I want to blog about, I'm splitting it up into parts. Here are some summaries, passages, and reflections with more to follow.

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Corrie reflects on memories as a child of riding the train with her father every week. She and her father had a special relationship and this was a time where she could ask him whatever was bothering her and he would answer her patiently and with understanding. She recalls being at school and hearing a poem and not understanding the word 'sexsin'. She understood 'sex' meant your gender and 'sin' was something that made her aunt very mad, but couldn't understand the words together. So on the train to Amsterdam she innocently asks her father what 'sexsin' is. To her surprise he says nothing. No answer for a few minutes until he picks up the suitcase he had carried with him and asks Corrie to carry it for him. The suitcase is much to heavy for her to pick up.

"'Yes,' he said. 'And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.'"

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So many more times as the book goes on does she reference this example, constantly having to ask the Lord to bear the weight of the sights and experiences of the concentration camps.

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"It grew harder and harder. even within these four walls there was too much misery, too much seemingly pointless suffering. Every day something else failed to make sense, something else grew too heavy. Will You carry this too, Lord Jesus?"

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How many countless times do I struggle to pick up the heavy suitcase? How many times do I try stubbornly to carry what I was not meant to. Something I want to challenge myself to do is surrender.

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Trying to pick up the suitcase will do nothing but frustrate me, cause harm to me, defeat me. Relying on my own strength I will grow tired, grow weary, and I will constantly fail.

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If I was meant to carry the weight of the plans of my entire life before me, the Lord would have given me that understanding, but there are somethings that I must trust Him to carry for me until I am ready.

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If I was meant to carry the pain of death, and hurt, and wrong that is of this world, I would be given the strength to endure it without faltering. However, the Lord is willing and able to carry it for me. And He does when we allow.

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What a true lesson I haven't learned.

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He said to them: 'It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.' -Acts 1:7-8

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Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom. -Isaiah 40:28

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Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which trancends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. -Proverbs 3:5-6

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Bee tea dubs. . .so much more to come. whew. this book. the Lord.

Back at the Hat.

I'm back at school, and it's been a great half of a week. While I haven't officially started working on anything academically related, thus causing some of the satisfaction, I have been so blessed with wonderful conversations and moments with friends in just the last week.

The first day back, as soon as I finished unpacking, I grabbed lunch with Michele at a quaint coffee shop downtown. (A quick sidenote about Deland..as a friend once explained it, Deland is like Starshollow off of Gilmore girls...it's got such a cute, historic, small town feel..except our town can get quite sketchy after dark.) Michele and I were class buddies for a semester, and got really close over the stresses of school..including our first allnighter which was something we'd never like to repeat. Anyway, I just loved the time we got to spend together. We talked about fun memories from years past, about our breaks, and about what we were striving to accomplish this new year. What I loved most about our conversation is that we got to talk about what the Lord was doing in each of our lives in the midst of transition, and in the midst of uncertainty in regards to the future. What a great worship service in a small coffee shop over a delicious chicken salad wrap and some horrible sweet tea. (note to self: never order sweet tea at a gourmet coffee shop..silly Kaylyn)

Michele and I last year on a "let's see the night space shuttle launch" adventure. She'll not like that I posted this one, but it's a good memory :)

Wednesday I got to have lunch with one of the freshmen that I've gotten to know a little bit and it was a wonderful reminder that I am here for a reason.

Thursday after, switching a class at the last minute and a 3 hour meeting for planing our spring break mission trip I ran into my friend Marla. Marla and I are always a fun combination. In the past we've been known to encourage each other in stomp routines, comedy hour, Mary Poppins impersonations, and just general tomfoolery. I love this girl a lot, and have so many fond memories of trips to Ridgecrest, and late nights on the piano. (Marla was in a piano pedagogy class and I was her student for a semester. It was a challenge for her I know....probably the worst student she'll ever have. But a wonderful bonding experience for sure). I ran into her in the library and we got to talking and lost track of time. We weren't being our loud, obnoxious off the wall selves but were talking deeply from the heart about real concerns and struggles in our lives. I was crying (as per usual) and in the middle of the Dupont Library, on a really random afternoon we had one of the most enjoyable and challenging conversations of our friendship.

Sometimes I don't know why or where I get these faces..but Marla and I in the midst of a crazy moment I'm sure.

That night I went to the gym with my friends Jessica "Sally" and Zanolee. They are training for a 5k in February and probably have like -20% body fat so it was an act of faith even agreeing to go..but I'm so glad I did because I've missed these ladies a lot. Even though my "muscles" are still tight, I was pushed in a way only the personal training of Z could've pushed me and I felt so much better afterward.

Jess Sally and I after Dinner Theatre...I need a good pic of Z to post.

On top of that wonderful gym experience I went (for the second time) the gym the next morning at 8am with my wonderful roommate, Ashli. She is an encourager and makes me get up in the mornings when I'm a baby about the alarm. I'm thankful for the time with her in the mornings, as well as some nights where I have come in and made a pallet on her floor to veg and watch TLC or the History channel. She's a great roomy and I'll miss her next year.


Last night I got to hang out with Natalie, Brianne, and Mallory--some wonderful freshmen girls who have tugged at my heartstrings and made me laugh so hard all at the same time. Whew, they are so funny and prove to me that I am not cool by any stretch of the imagination. I'm so glad they allow me to be seen with them. They got to come over and hang out in my room...ya know, because I live in the nice upperclassmen dorms and not in the slums of new student housing. I got to introduce them to all of my fav's that i've collected in my three years here (e.g. trolls, gnomes, cards, pictures, legos, potato heads, and other nick knacks with fun stories to go along with)...and then we went over to the next town for some Chic Fil A!! I got ridiculously excited and even though there was a butt-ton of little humans running around I took a deep breath, faced my fears, and the food was worth it. We went back to their room, exchanged some more fun stories, and then watched the second half of the basketball game together. I had so much fun with them, and they bring a freshness to life here. So great, and can't wait to see them grow as we continue to learn and challenge each other.

A pic of me, natalie (black sweatshirt) Brianne (top) and another freshman, Jennifer (right)...Mallory is not pictured...obviously.

And if that wasn't enough, today I got to see one of my all-time fav's, Ms. Rachel Jeyaseelan. Rachel was my mentor of sorts when I was just a freshman in college. In fact the story above sounds so familiar to me, except the roles were reversed. Rachel and her roommate (also Rachael) spent a lot of QT with me back in the day. I pretty much lived in their room (ironically enough, in the same building I'm in now) some weekends and the transition wouldn't have been the same without them. Rachel is one of those people who I know will be a part of my life wherever I am, and no matter how much time goes by. She reads me like an open book, makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, and isn't afraid to ask difficult questions and call me out when that's what I need. Whew, I miss her being on campus, but am so, so, so thankful that the Lord has allowed her to stay close enough to campus that I can visit her now and then. In fact I start off every semester with a visit to Ormond Beach, where her family lives and they've been so good to adopt me and allow me to escape campus when need be. Rachel always makes me a CD for the new semester, and it never ceases to be awesome. This time she also gave me a book to read, "The Hiding Place" (the autobiography of Corrie Ten Boom)...so hopefully I'll blog about reading that.

We went to Peach Valley on the beach for an awesome late lunch and then on a walk through the neighborhood where she lives. I haven't laughed that long and hard in a while. A perfect visit, with a wonderful friend.

above: me and Rachel at the beginning of my sophomore year.

Below: Rachel, Rachael, Jessica, and I after our farewell dinner to Rachael Roberts at Bahama Breeze sophomore year.

Last semester I had some pretty challenging courses. I knew that I probably wouldn't end the semester with the grades that I began the semester and tried to prepare myself for disappointment. However, when a time came to make a choice I unfortunately chose locking myself in a room alone to study rather than have a social life. I chose books over people and stress over sleep. I chose snooze over quiet time, and fast food over exercise. And everything fed off of the other. I wasn't sleeping right, so I wasn't the most energetic person during the normal human hours. I wasn't exercising so I didn't feel well, and I wasn't spending enough time filling myself with the Word, so I wasn't ready to pour into others and invest myself to those the Lord had placed in my life. But praise the Lord that His mercies are new every morning, much less every semester. I want to take full advantage of the blessings in the form of people on campus this semester. It's going to be harder once academia rears its ugly head, but I am committed to work at a balance. I know that I wasn't created to achieve a GPA, and while this can be a form of worship, all to often I find that it's a self-worship and not a worship dedicated to bringing the Lord glory.


So let's go Junior semester number two. I'm training for you, mind, body, and soul.

bee tea dubs...now only if I can get with the Philippians challenge....get with it Kaylyn!!!

Jazzercise.

This morning I feel refreshed. There is something about waking up, excersising your body, mind, and soul, and having the day in front of you. As difficult as it is going to be to keep this up (and as sore as I am going to be), and stay in routine I know this is something I have missed and this is healthy.

Hopefully it will help me sleep more normally, as frustration tears were definitely apart of my insomnia last night. But, thanks to my roommate/workout friend I got up to my alarm anyway.

Being healthy is my overall goal this year. But not in the "i'm going to lose ___ amount of weight by swimsuit season" dieting craze, and more in the I want to challenge myself to make small changes in my lifestyle so that I can be healthier physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally...well my mental health is probably not going to be easy. I'm certified.

With healthiness, comes energy, and with energy I can serve and make each day less about me and more about things that matter. (I do think I matter, but you know what I mean.)

Bee tea dubs. . .someday, I'm going to do this routine just for kicks. . .click here

Reality Check.

Okay, can I vent for a hot second? (Of course I can. . .this is my blog, and therefore it's automatically a place reserved for me to give my two cents where it is not asked, and to publicize personal vendettas.)

Come'on America. Get. Over. The. Vampires.

Really...how could this be okay?

If I see another show, movie, book, commercial, etc. centered around vampires, ware wolves, witches, zombies, etc. I'm going to scream. It's past the point where I'm boycotting them because I just want to be different and attempt at being a rebel, making fun of pop culture and more to the point where it's boring me.

I'll give the vampire books (twilight) the fact that they were pretty original (minus Dracula, which was published in 1897)...they mixed the romance novels with horror film characters. (Disclaimer: I have not read or watched any Twilight book/movie, so everything written is just from hearsay)

But come'on. It's not original anymore. And I'm so bored/disgusted with America's obsession with this nonsense. Teen moms getting together to have Twilight fests and fight over which 20 year old actor is hotter isn't cool....it's called being a sexual predator.

You are the reason why now every time I turn on the television or go to a movie I'm seeing advertisements for the next big vampire rage. They're trying to get in on all the profits off of YOU PEOPLE. Therefore, do me and every other normal human being a favor and stop. Stop being obsessed, and stop enabling your children to be obsessed.

Spoiler Alert: Vampires don't exist.

Stop wasting your time fantasizing over what you would do if you were the main character. I'm pretty sure you picked up the book from the fiction section, and as confusing as it is that 'fiction' is the non-real stuff, and 'non-fiction' is the real stuff I'd figured you'd understand since you don't really see any zombies, vampires or ware wolves walking around your city. My bad on the assumption that you had some common sense.


If we, as a country spent half the time, money, dedication, etc on the economic problems/world hunger/AIDS/Cancer/the salvation of our friends, as twilight fans do on their crazy we'd be getting somewhere.

Let's harness the passion for a purpose that matters and is, at the least, real.


On another note, it's not too late for you if you are one of the crazies. The answer? Burn it all. The less vampire paraphernalia that exists the closer we will be to being normal again. So do it. I'll send you a lighter.

(disclaimer: any damages to property or persons as a result of the above advice will not be paid for by Kaylyn Varnum...burn at your own risk)

Thank you for your time America.

Sincerely,
Kaylyn

Bee tea dubs....Star Wars is by no means included in this list...may the force be with you.

Empty handed but alive in Your hands

Here I am
Humbled by Your Majesty,
Covered by Your grace so free.

Here I am,
Knowing I'm a sinful man,
Covered by the blood of the lamb.

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life,
The greatest sacrifice.

Majesty
Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands

We sing
Majesty
Majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love
in the beauty of Your Majesty

Here I am
Humbled by the love that You give,
Forgiven so that I can forgive.

So here I stand,
Knowing that I am Your desire,
Sanctified by glory and fire.

And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life,
The greatest sacrifice.

Majesty
Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed but alive in Your hands.

Singing Majesty
Majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty
Majesty

Majesty
Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty handed but alive in your hands.


Singing Majesty
Majesty
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty.
Majesty.


Majesty (Here I Am), Delirious

Daydream Believin'

These are a few things that make me smile:

big spaces, beautiful colors

a good rhythm and a nice harmony

solitude

loyal friends

being a conductor of something positive

warmth

freedom and adventure

whimsicalness (not a real word)

"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams." - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

A horse with no name

I've started blogs, deleted them, and avoided the blog altogether. But in leu of continuing to live my life in fear of the fact that this blog won't be interesting enough, intellectual enough, inspiring enough, etc...I'm just going to write about the whatever comes to mind in these next few minutes and laugh at the result. You're welcome to laugh along with me.

Today I went back to this tool called "stumbleupon" ...it allows to select interests like photography, travel, sports, music, entertainment, culture, art, crafts, etc. and then takes you random websites, blogs, videos, articles.

Thanks to my friend, Stumbleupon I've learned how to make a silver ring out of a quarter, magnets out of marbles, have seen some really impressive sports plays, heard some new music, read interesting quotes and news articles, and enjoyed pictures from around the world.

Tonight my family and I went to Legally Blonde the musical and to one of my favorite sea food places on the Bay. . an oyster bar called "Hunt's". It has a unique atmosphere, which only adds to the amazing oysters on the half shell. I know, a lot of people think they are disgusting, but just chalk it up to one of the few things from my heritage that survived my fervent rebellion against all that is southern.

I think these last few days have been a sort of hangover from all of the traveling fun I've had this break. It's me adjusting to the fact that school starts in less than a week, and I will be in the same time zone for a while once I get settled Monday night. A sad reality after getting the wonderful opportunities to see friends get married, visit with people who live on the other side of the universe, create my own sleep schedule and enjoy laziness.

But an exciting reality when I think about what I can make of this semester, and what the Lord can bring in the next few months.

I'm trying to be content with my stationary life at college, while simultaneously not being complacent with my service to others and most importantly love for the Lord.

I do look forward to seeing my friends from school, but my hope is that this isn't just another semester of me looking forward to breaks, trips, events, etc. That I'm not constantly looking at the calander in my room and marking off days in anticipation for something more.


that's it. that's as close to a complete thought as you'll get from me these days. i'm scatterbrained and overanalytical which is tampering with my communication. I feel antsy, but I'm working on it. I'm sure I'll be back soon, but for now I'm ignoring my narrative on my break as a whole, and my big "it's the new year so here's something contemplative, inspiring, and challenging" post.


bee tea dubs...i'm on twitter..yet another reluctant cave to the pressures of popculture. before you know it i'll be a t.swift fanatic and a lover of reading nicholas sparks novels.