With a month and a half of clarity (that's a joke), I feel like I'm qualified to readdress the transition that I'm currently undergoing.
I don't think it takes the readers of this blog very long to know that I don't have much relationship experience. (Considering the fact that the people who read this blog are all my friends and know personally this information, I'm very confident about the prior statement.) I don't know much about love and haven't felt the sting of pain that is lost love either. That is, until May 12, 2012.
I have experienced my first heartbreak.
Before you get too excited (not that any of you have jumped to any conclusions or anything because, again, you all know me too personally) I should say that my lost love is college.
After four years of building a relationship, giving my mind, body and soul to the experience (maybe I should have used different words there?! oops.) I had to walk away.
Correction, I was forced to walk away. Because college broke up with me, not the other way around. After a rocky start, things heated up pretty quickly and we never looked back. That's not to say there weren't hard times. But college and I, we didn't give up on each other--we worked through them. We stayed up together all night in the library fighting it out and we had great make-up QT in the quad afterward.
In all seriousness. Driving away from my home that I loved so much (and still love) I actually said out loud "ouch". For the first time I thought I felt my heart physically hurting. I wondered, "Is this heartbreak?"
After talking to Jessica during one of our weekend wrap-ups I confirmed my symptoms. This was heartbreak, alright...and of the worst degree.
Now obviously I'm not that attached to just the name of the university I attended, nor even the education I received for that matter. But just like any "real" love story, there was a romeo and juliet and the experience (and mainly the people who created it) captivated me with its charm. (I hope you got the sarcasm RE: romeo...I couldn't even leave the possibility that you might misread that as me romanticizing. )
And then after sadness there was a kind of anger/jealousy about the fact that it's moving on without me. How could it treat me like we "never loved at all?" How can it do that--just act like we never happened. Here I am wasting so much wasted energy wishing that it'd come back to me, but it doesn't give me a second thought?!
Every song that comes on the radio reminds me of a memory we shared or a significant event in our relationship.
I still go to sleep at night still reminiscing on the "good times". And I wonder what the statue of limitations is on being able to do that without being completely lame.
Sigh, Must've been love. But it's over now.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
May
The brief:
--I graduated college
--I'm in a CPA class
--I'm reading Tina Fey's "Bossypants"
The little-more-than-brief:
--I got the chance to spend four years in a protected environment where I could pursue higher education and higher purpose. I was able learn more about love in the way a group of people came together from diverse backgrounds and chose to accept and chose to invite others to belong..I learned that God is in everyone. When I'm talking to people, I'm talking to God. That has forever changed how I treat people that are different than me, and just how I treat people in general. I'm forever grateful for that lesson. I appreciate the ability to walk away knowing a lot less than when I was dropped off four years ago. Funny how the image of how the chapter started and ended was very similar: me in sunglasses crying. But the reality of the situation was so much different. I am walking away not only a more educated person in the way of my discipline, but more importantly in a deeper understanding of who I am and who I want to be.
“I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing.” -Donald Miller
--I thought that this experience would be the most exhausting, challenging, and futile situation. I also thought I would be a complete emotional mess from leaving so many people that I love so dearly and my "home". But this week has been oddly peaceful. Don't get me wrong. I get up at 7:30 every morning, begin studying and don't stop until 10 or 11 (leaving an hour for lunch and dinner). And I've done that for 5 days straight. So mentally, and physically--I'm exhausted. But the work has proved rewarding, and it genuinely feels good to have a goal and feel focused.
Now we could get into the details about how I'm a control freak and since it is overly-apparent that I am not in control in any aspect of my life right now, I am trying to control the one thing I can. Or how I'm using my work to run from dealing with grief and change. We could go there, but we won't. (And now you can add denial to the list.)
--Tina is just funny. And insightful. I reserved my bedside table for my "personal" items so that I'd remind myself that I am human. There sits Ellen, Tina, and Betty along with my Dawson's Creek Collection, owl stationary in an Owl, and a small orange porcelain dwarf man. We won't talk about what this says about who I am. I've read 80 pages of Tina despite the fact that I'm reading all day long. I get excited about where my life could end up when I look at my desk of funnies. One day I'll be brave enough to use my funny to be insightful instead of using my funny to hide.
--I graduated college
--I'm in a CPA class
--I'm reading Tina Fey's "Bossypants"
The little-more-than-brief:
--I got the chance to spend four years in a protected environment where I could pursue higher education and higher purpose. I was able learn more about love in the way a group of people came together from diverse backgrounds and chose to accept and chose to invite others to belong..I learned that God is in everyone. When I'm talking to people, I'm talking to God. That has forever changed how I treat people that are different than me, and just how I treat people in general. I'm forever grateful for that lesson. I appreciate the ability to walk away knowing a lot less than when I was dropped off four years ago. Funny how the image of how the chapter started and ended was very similar: me in sunglasses crying. But the reality of the situation was so much different. I am walking away not only a more educated person in the way of my discipline, but more importantly in a deeper understanding of who I am and who I want to be.
“I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing.” -Donald Miller
--I thought that this experience would be the most exhausting, challenging, and futile situation. I also thought I would be a complete emotional mess from leaving so many people that I love so dearly and my "home". But this week has been oddly peaceful. Don't get me wrong. I get up at 7:30 every morning, begin studying and don't stop until 10 or 11 (leaving an hour for lunch and dinner). And I've done that for 5 days straight. So mentally, and physically--I'm exhausted. But the work has proved rewarding, and it genuinely feels good to have a goal and feel focused.
Now we could get into the details about how I'm a control freak and since it is overly-apparent that I am not in control in any aspect of my life right now, I am trying to control the one thing I can. Or how I'm using my work to run from dealing with grief and change. We could go there, but we won't. (And now you can add denial to the list.)
--Tina is just funny. And insightful. I reserved my bedside table for my "personal" items so that I'd remind myself that I am human. There sits Ellen, Tina, and Betty along with my Dawson's Creek Collection, owl stationary in an Owl, and a small orange porcelain dwarf man. We won't talk about what this says about who I am. I've read 80 pages of Tina despite the fact that I'm reading all day long. I get excited about where my life could end up when I look at my desk of funnies. One day I'll be brave enough to use my funny to be insightful instead of using my funny to hide.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
What Would Have Been:
These are the last four weeks of college. . .trying to wrap my mind around that fact seems like the most impossible task. I had the great honor of being considered for senior speaker of my graduation. I found out tonight that I wasn't chosen--which kind of has a sting to it--but I am so grateful for the opportunity to be able to go through the process and to be able to digest some of the feelings that I have for this place I call home.
I took a risk, and pursued something I was interested in. And didn't get it. And that's the beauty of loss--the only way of knowing exactly how deeply I cared. I don't normally actually show what I truley want for fear of getting hurt. Vulnerability is a difficult thing to practice--but I did that and for that I am proud.
So, because I did stay up until 3:30AM writing a speech to present, I figured I wouldn't waste that lost sleep. Here is what would've been.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Significantly Insignificant"
Recently I have read a book by a researcher from the University of Houston, Dr. Brene Brown. Her research falls in the sometimes painfully personal topic of human emotion. In her book she discusses some of the traits she has found common in what she refers to as the “wholehearted” individual—someone who embraces authenticity and worthiness.
One of the major points she notes is the universal need for love and belonging. Dr. Brown defines belonging as “the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.”
According to her research, we as humans try to acquire this belonging by fitting in and seeking approval but she emphasize the fact that these are not substitutes for belonging yet barriers to it. Instead, belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world.
I open with this working definition of belonging because this is what defines my Stetson Experience. Choosing to be a part of the Stetson community means choosing to be a part of something so much larger than ourselves as individuals.
And, from my experience, choosing to be a part of the community here means being embraced for exactly who we are—and challenged to be a better version of ourselves in the process.
There is an interesting dynamic that occurs when we experience belonging—we begin to see how important it is for us to be less important than the community as a whole—and how, consequently that concept creates a greater sense of self-importance.
There is an irony about gaining self-worth by making ourselves less.
In business, one might use synergy as an example of this kind of anomaly.
Synergy occurs when the parts working together produce a result not obtainable by the parts independently.
That the different functions come together to offer their gifts to a business that can in turn create a much larger presence than any single accountant or marketing analyst could individually.
---
I realize that, in a room filled with prestigious music school faculty and students, I take a great risk making this next example. I acknowledge that fact and do so anyway.
In music, the grace note occurs as notes of short duration before the sounding of the relatively longer-lasting note which immediately follows them.
The grace notes can be considered harmonically subservient to the longer note which it precedes.
However, in some pieces, it serves as the only way to differentiate between notes and is crucial to artwork as a whole.
The University developed a motto two years ago that it uses in its marketing materials—the theme “Dare to Be Significant”
What a challenge to all of us—not to just dream to be successful but to yearn to make a difference—to matter in our world. I wholeheartedly agree with this challenge and what it means the University believes its students and faculty can achieve.
I do, however, want to add something to this statement.
I think we would all agree that a college graduation is a significant event in our lives. But with every significant moment, comes a multitude of insignificant ones that brought us there.
When we look back on our collegiate experience I doubt we will remember much about this ceremony.
I doubt we will remember the speakers or what they said, myself included.
We will, however, remember what are seemingly insignificant moments
The 2AM conversations with our roommate about faith, reason, and politics—things that should never have been discussed that late.
The afternoons spend reading in the Quad, and being okay with all of the interruptions of friends as they passed by
And countless other times where we have experienced what it means to belong—what it means to be a part of something bigger than ourselves—to have been significantly insignificant.
When we remember our time at Stetson we will find that what has been significant to us about this experience, was not bought with money, fame, wisdom, or power—(although there has been a significant amount of money invested here.)
But instead, the important things have been felt—and the significance has come from an embrace of the present
Some here today may have significant gifts and talents that can lead to large profit margins and life-changing new products.
Let us not limit our ability to succeed by overlooking the value that comes from working together.
---
Our lives are a culmination of notes of different lengths—some pieces have a great rhythm and others, a strong chorus.
We must not forget the grace notes that have served to accent the more prominent periods in our lives.
---
So, as we go on our separate paths, let us dare to be significant.
But, in doing so, let us dare to embrace the beauty of the moment—as insignificant as it may seem.
Let us not forget the significance of insignificance.
I took a risk, and pursued something I was interested in. And didn't get it. And that's the beauty of loss--the only way of knowing exactly how deeply I cared. I don't normally actually show what I truley want for fear of getting hurt. Vulnerability is a difficult thing to practice--but I did that and for that I am proud.
So, because I did stay up until 3:30AM writing a speech to present, I figured I wouldn't waste that lost sleep. Here is what would've been.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Significantly Insignificant"
Recently I have read a book by a researcher from the University of Houston, Dr. Brene Brown. Her research falls in the sometimes painfully personal topic of human emotion. In her book she discusses some of the traits she has found common in what she refers to as the “wholehearted” individual—someone who embraces authenticity and worthiness.
One of the major points she notes is the universal need for love and belonging. Dr. Brown defines belonging as “the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.”
According to her research, we as humans try to acquire this belonging by fitting in and seeking approval but she emphasize the fact that these are not substitutes for belonging yet barriers to it. Instead, belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world.
I open with this working definition of belonging because this is what defines my Stetson Experience. Choosing to be a part of the Stetson community means choosing to be a part of something so much larger than ourselves as individuals.
And, from my experience, choosing to be a part of the community here means being embraced for exactly who we are—and challenged to be a better version of ourselves in the process.
There is an interesting dynamic that occurs when we experience belonging—we begin to see how important it is for us to be less important than the community as a whole—and how, consequently that concept creates a greater sense of self-importance.
There is an irony about gaining self-worth by making ourselves less.
In business, one might use synergy as an example of this kind of anomaly.
Synergy occurs when the parts working together produce a result not obtainable by the parts independently.
That the different functions come together to offer their gifts to a business that can in turn create a much larger presence than any single accountant or marketing analyst could individually.
---
I realize that, in a room filled with prestigious music school faculty and students, I take a great risk making this next example. I acknowledge that fact and do so anyway.
In music, the grace note occurs as notes of short duration before the sounding of the relatively longer-lasting note which immediately follows them.
The grace notes can be considered harmonically subservient to the longer note which it precedes.
However, in some pieces, it serves as the only way to differentiate between notes and is crucial to artwork as a whole.
The University developed a motto two years ago that it uses in its marketing materials—the theme “Dare to Be Significant”
What a challenge to all of us—not to just dream to be successful but to yearn to make a difference—to matter in our world. I wholeheartedly agree with this challenge and what it means the University believes its students and faculty can achieve.
I do, however, want to add something to this statement.
I think we would all agree that a college graduation is a significant event in our lives. But with every significant moment, comes a multitude of insignificant ones that brought us there.
When we look back on our collegiate experience I doubt we will remember much about this ceremony.
I doubt we will remember the speakers or what they said, myself included.
We will, however, remember what are seemingly insignificant moments
The 2AM conversations with our roommate about faith, reason, and politics—things that should never have been discussed that late.
The afternoons spend reading in the Quad, and being okay with all of the interruptions of friends as they passed by
And countless other times where we have experienced what it means to belong—what it means to be a part of something bigger than ourselves—to have been significantly insignificant.
When we remember our time at Stetson we will find that what has been significant to us about this experience, was not bought with money, fame, wisdom, or power—(although there has been a significant amount of money invested here.)
But instead, the important things have been felt—and the significance has come from an embrace of the present
Some here today may have significant gifts and talents that can lead to large profit margins and life-changing new products.
Let us not limit our ability to succeed by overlooking the value that comes from working together.
---
Our lives are a culmination of notes of different lengths—some pieces have a great rhythm and others, a strong chorus.
We must not forget the grace notes that have served to accent the more prominent periods in our lives.
---
So, as we go on our separate paths, let us dare to be significant.
But, in doing so, let us dare to embrace the beauty of the moment—as insignificant as it may seem.
Let us not forget the significance of insignificance.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Thoughts in Solitude
"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
-Thoughts in Solitude, Thomas Merton, Image Books, 1968
-Thoughts in Solitude, Thomas Merton, Image Books, 1968
Monday, February 13, 2012
If I Should Have A Daughter
Bee Tea Dubs. . . just watch the first 4 minutes if you don't have time for the whole video. . . It's worth it!
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