So here I sit, in my new apartment.
Here I sit, with an alarm set at an incredibly ungodly hour to wake me up for another day in my new job.
Here I sit, in anticipation of the next (and final) CPA Exam score.
Here I sit, alone with my thoughts and my heavy heart.
Here I sit, in tears for the many things I've lost in the past three months.
Here I sit, in hope that the next few months bring about a fresh start in my life.
Here I sit, tired. Exhausted. Weary, Broken.
Here I sit. Waiting for something to make me happy again, knowing that happiness lies within and that I need help out of this hole that I feel like I've fallen into.
Here I sit, thankful for the strong relationship with my family--who has been my rock this summer.
Here I sit, the past behind me, the possibilities in front on me but here I sit, unable to move in either direction---paralyzed by my inadequacies.
Here I sit, with music and the desire to dance.
Here I sit today. But tomorrow I will stand.
I will stand and put one foot in front of the other and dare to move from my seat.
I refuse to be an audience member of my own life.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Things I'd rather do instead of studying
1) Finish at least one of the three books I'm in the middle of
2) Count to 653492801924. and then backwards.
3) Take a shower. One over 10 minutes long.
4) Get a pedicure.
5) Tell 4 jokes to an audience.
6) play 5 hours of 90s games on the original Super Nintendo
7) Watch Moonrise Kingdom again.
8) Clean my room
9) Shop for an apartment
10) Take the 5 glasses in my room downstairs to the dishwasher.
11) Make a chair out of the vintage suitcase i bought last month.
12) Call 3 friends I haven't talked to in weeks and catch up.
13) Pack a suitcase and see how long I can survive on the Appalachian trail
14) Go to the gym for 40 minutes.
15) Use the sparklers that I bought for 4th of July.
16) Wear a sundress
17) Buy a puppy
18) Do laundry
19) Take a nap
20) Make an orthodontist appointment to get a new retainer.
21) Jump off a cliff (see footnote one)
22) Bake Christmas cookies while listening to Nsync's "Happy Holidays"
23) So some basic Algebra problems
24) Hand-write letters to my favorite celebrities
25) Make a list of things I want to do instead of studying on my Blog.
FootnoteOne:Okay, that was a tad dramatic. But you should know I would jump off a cliff, given the fact that underneath me is some exotic ocean and I was sure I wouldn't die. . .
2) Count to 653492801924. and then backwards.
3) Take a shower. One over 10 minutes long.
4) Get a pedicure.
5) Tell 4 jokes to an audience.
6) play 5 hours of 90s games on the original Super Nintendo
7) Watch Moonrise Kingdom again.
8) Clean my room
9) Shop for an apartment
10) Take the 5 glasses in my room downstairs to the dishwasher.
11) Make a chair out of the vintage suitcase i bought last month.
12) Call 3 friends I haven't talked to in weeks and catch up.
13) Pack a suitcase and see how long I can survive on the Appalachian trail
14) Go to the gym for 40 minutes.
15) Use the sparklers that I bought for 4th of July.
16) Wear a sundress
17) Buy a puppy
18) Do laundry
19) Take a nap
20) Make an orthodontist appointment to get a new retainer.
21) Jump off a cliff (see footnote one)
22) Bake Christmas cookies while listening to Nsync's "Happy Holidays"
23) So some basic Algebra problems
24) Hand-write letters to my favorite celebrities
FootnoteOne:Okay, that was a tad dramatic. But you should know I would jump off a cliff, given the fact that underneath me is some exotic ocean and I was sure I wouldn't die. . .
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Into the Fray
So yesterday after I got out of probably the worst exam performances of my life, I went directly to A1) Chic Fil A and B2) The Red Box (at this really sketchy gas station down the street from my apartment...but it didn't matter. I was willing to fight the crazies for a little reprieve from the intense-stress-world I've been putting myself in)
I was looking for anything really, but I ended up with "The Grey" and some movie from like 10 years ago about the reality of love or something. I don't even know. I blame it on lack of sleep and the fact that Bradley Cooper's picture was on the front.
Anyway. I watched The Grey first, and good thing because it was pretty suspenseful and my coping skills (or lack thereof) really weren't prepared for all that ensued. Here's an image to help you realize what I had to endure.
It was nice to watching some thoughtless movie afterward and let my blood pressure return to normal.
Anyway.
There was this poem in The Grey that really intrigued me. After some quick iphone googling, I found that the director actually wrote this poem (which was kind of disappointing as I wanted to discover some really historic origin, but overall really impressive).
"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live and die on this day.
Live and die on this day."
When I think about how much I take my days for granted this poem reminds us to live each day as a life of its own. To be born with the morning and lay to rest at night. Living and dying each day is far from taking crazy risks and doing once-in-a-lifetime activities on a daily basis.
Rather, let us be reminded to live days worth being proud of. Choosing things to be thankful for. And remembering that we're not guaranteed the next.
----
Bee Tea Dubs: I'd also like to take a moment to let you guys know that i was really saddened to hear that Andy Griffith died recently. Matlock, you will forever be one of my heros.
I was looking for anything really, but I ended up with "The Grey" and some movie from like 10 years ago about the reality of love or something. I don't even know. I blame it on lack of sleep and the fact that Bradley Cooper's picture was on the front.
Anyway. I watched The Grey first, and good thing because it was pretty suspenseful and my coping skills (or lack thereof) really weren't prepared for all that ensued. Here's an image to help you realize what I had to endure.
It was nice to watching some thoughtless movie afterward and let my blood pressure return to normal.
Anyway.
There was this poem in The Grey that really intrigued me. After some quick iphone googling, I found that the director actually wrote this poem (which was kind of disappointing as I wanted to discover some really historic origin, but overall really impressive).
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live and die on this day.
Live and die on this day."
When I think about how much I take my days for granted this poem reminds us to live each day as a life of its own. To be born with the morning and lay to rest at night. Living and dying each day is far from taking crazy risks and doing once-in-a-lifetime activities on a daily basis.
Rather, let us be reminded to live days worth being proud of. Choosing things to be thankful for. And remembering that we're not guaranteed the next.
----
Bee Tea Dubs: I'd also like to take a moment to let you guys know that i was really saddened to hear that Andy Griffith died recently. Matlock, you will forever be one of my heros.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Heartbreak Warfare
With a month and a half of clarity (that's a joke), I feel like I'm qualified to readdress the transition that I'm currently undergoing.
I don't think it takes the readers of this blog very long to know that I don't have much relationship experience. (Considering the fact that the people who read this blog are all my friends and know personally this information, I'm very confident about the prior statement.) I don't know much about love and haven't felt the sting of pain that is lost love either. That is, until May 12, 2012.
I have experienced my first heartbreak.
Before you get too excited (not that any of you have jumped to any conclusions or anything because, again, you all know me too personally) I should say that my lost love is college.
After four years of building a relationship, giving my mind, body and soul to the experience (maybe I should have used different words there?! oops.) I had to walk away.
Correction, I was forced to walk away. Because college broke up with me, not the other way around. After a rocky start, things heated up pretty quickly and we never looked back. That's not to say there weren't hard times. But college and I, we didn't give up on each other--we worked through them. We stayed up together all night in the library fighting it out and we had great make-up QT in the quad afterward.
In all seriousness. Driving away from my home that I loved so much (and still love) I actually said out loud "ouch". For the first time I thought I felt my heart physically hurting. I wondered, "Is this heartbreak?"
After talking to Jessica during one of our weekend wrap-ups I confirmed my symptoms. This was heartbreak, alright...and of the worst degree.
Now obviously I'm not that attached to just the name of the university I attended, nor even the education I received for that matter. But just like any "real" love story, there was a romeo and juliet and the experience (and mainly the people who created it) captivated me with its charm. (I hope you got the sarcasm RE: romeo...I couldn't even leave the possibility that you might misread that as me romanticizing. )
And then after sadness there was a kind of anger/jealousy about the fact that it's moving on without me. How could it treat me like we "never loved at all?" How can it do that--just act like we never happened. Here I am wasting so much wasted energy wishing that it'd come back to me, but it doesn't give me a second thought?!
Every song that comes on the radio reminds me of a memory we shared or a significant event in our relationship.
I still go to sleep at night still reminiscing on the "good times". And I wonder what the statue of limitations is on being able to do that without being completely lame.
Sigh, Must've been love. But it's over now.
I don't think it takes the readers of this blog very long to know that I don't have much relationship experience. (Considering the fact that the people who read this blog are all my friends and know personally this information, I'm very confident about the prior statement.) I don't know much about love and haven't felt the sting of pain that is lost love either. That is, until May 12, 2012.
I have experienced my first heartbreak.
Before you get too excited (not that any of you have jumped to any conclusions or anything because, again, you all know me too personally) I should say that my lost love is college.
After four years of building a relationship, giving my mind, body and soul to the experience (maybe I should have used different words there?! oops.) I had to walk away.
Correction, I was forced to walk away. Because college broke up with me, not the other way around. After a rocky start, things heated up pretty quickly and we never looked back. That's not to say there weren't hard times. But college and I, we didn't give up on each other--we worked through them. We stayed up together all night in the library fighting it out and we had great make-up QT in the quad afterward.
In all seriousness. Driving away from my home that I loved so much (and still love) I actually said out loud "ouch". For the first time I thought I felt my heart physically hurting. I wondered, "Is this heartbreak?"
After talking to Jessica during one of our weekend wrap-ups I confirmed my symptoms. This was heartbreak, alright...and of the worst degree.
Now obviously I'm not that attached to just the name of the university I attended, nor even the education I received for that matter. But just like any "real" love story, there was a romeo and juliet and the experience (and mainly the people who created it) captivated me with its charm. (I hope you got the sarcasm RE: romeo...I couldn't even leave the possibility that you might misread that as me romanticizing. )
And then after sadness there was a kind of anger/jealousy about the fact that it's moving on without me. How could it treat me like we "never loved at all?" How can it do that--just act like we never happened. Here I am wasting so much wasted energy wishing that it'd come back to me, but it doesn't give me a second thought?!
Every song that comes on the radio reminds me of a memory we shared or a significant event in our relationship.
I still go to sleep at night still reminiscing on the "good times". And I wonder what the statue of limitations is on being able to do that without being completely lame.
Sigh, Must've been love. But it's over now.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
May
The brief:
--I graduated college
--I'm in a CPA class
--I'm reading Tina Fey's "Bossypants"
The little-more-than-brief:
--I got the chance to spend four years in a protected environment where I could pursue higher education and higher purpose. I was able learn more about love in the way a group of people came together from diverse backgrounds and chose to accept and chose to invite others to belong..I learned that God is in everyone. When I'm talking to people, I'm talking to God. That has forever changed how I treat people that are different than me, and just how I treat people in general. I'm forever grateful for that lesson. I appreciate the ability to walk away knowing a lot less than when I was dropped off four years ago. Funny how the image of how the chapter started and ended was very similar: me in sunglasses crying. But the reality of the situation was so much different. I am walking away not only a more educated person in the way of my discipline, but more importantly in a deeper understanding of who I am and who I want to be.
“I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing.” -Donald Miller
--I thought that this experience would be the most exhausting, challenging, and futile situation. I also thought I would be a complete emotional mess from leaving so many people that I love so dearly and my "home". But this week has been oddly peaceful. Don't get me wrong. I get up at 7:30 every morning, begin studying and don't stop until 10 or 11 (leaving an hour for lunch and dinner). And I've done that for 5 days straight. So mentally, and physically--I'm exhausted. But the work has proved rewarding, and it genuinely feels good to have a goal and feel focused.
Now we could get into the details about how I'm a control freak and since it is overly-apparent that I am not in control in any aspect of my life right now, I am trying to control the one thing I can. Or how I'm using my work to run from dealing with grief and change. We could go there, but we won't. (And now you can add denial to the list.)
--Tina is just funny. And insightful. I reserved my bedside table for my "personal" items so that I'd remind myself that I am human. There sits Ellen, Tina, and Betty along with my Dawson's Creek Collection, owl stationary in an Owl, and a small orange porcelain dwarf man. We won't talk about what this says about who I am. I've read 80 pages of Tina despite the fact that I'm reading all day long. I get excited about where my life could end up when I look at my desk of funnies. One day I'll be brave enough to use my funny to be insightful instead of using my funny to hide.
--I graduated college
--I'm in a CPA class
--I'm reading Tina Fey's "Bossypants"
The little-more-than-brief:
--I got the chance to spend four years in a protected environment where I could pursue higher education and higher purpose. I was able learn more about love in the way a group of people came together from diverse backgrounds and chose to accept and chose to invite others to belong..I learned that God is in everyone. When I'm talking to people, I'm talking to God. That has forever changed how I treat people that are different than me, and just how I treat people in general. I'm forever grateful for that lesson. I appreciate the ability to walk away knowing a lot less than when I was dropped off four years ago. Funny how the image of how the chapter started and ended was very similar: me in sunglasses crying. But the reality of the situation was so much different. I am walking away not only a more educated person in the way of my discipline, but more importantly in a deeper understanding of who I am and who I want to be.
“I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing.” -Donald Miller
--I thought that this experience would be the most exhausting, challenging, and futile situation. I also thought I would be a complete emotional mess from leaving so many people that I love so dearly and my "home". But this week has been oddly peaceful. Don't get me wrong. I get up at 7:30 every morning, begin studying and don't stop until 10 or 11 (leaving an hour for lunch and dinner). And I've done that for 5 days straight. So mentally, and physically--I'm exhausted. But the work has proved rewarding, and it genuinely feels good to have a goal and feel focused.
Now we could get into the details about how I'm a control freak and since it is overly-apparent that I am not in control in any aspect of my life right now, I am trying to control the one thing I can. Or how I'm using my work to run from dealing with grief and change. We could go there, but we won't. (And now you can add denial to the list.)
--Tina is just funny. And insightful. I reserved my bedside table for my "personal" items so that I'd remind myself that I am human. There sits Ellen, Tina, and Betty along with my Dawson's Creek Collection, owl stationary in an Owl, and a small orange porcelain dwarf man. We won't talk about what this says about who I am. I've read 80 pages of Tina despite the fact that I'm reading all day long. I get excited about where my life could end up when I look at my desk of funnies. One day I'll be brave enough to use my funny to be insightful instead of using my funny to hide.
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