Green

I feel like I should at least write to say that I passed the CPA exam.

After all of that sitting and waiting (and crying and being frustrated) good things have happened.

A lot of hard work has also happened. But I'm thinking it'll build some character. And provide some fresh material for my true calling--stand up comedy.

I now own Kathy Griffin's "Official Book Club Selection" Shirley Maclaine's book "I'm over all that" and Julie Andrew's memoir "Home". I haven't made it halfway through any of them, but it makes me smile when I see my BA's sitting by my bed at night.

I went to a church on Sunday. It was a small church about an hour away and I went with a friend because she was taking some Stetson students there so it was a fun excuse to see some friends.

We walked into a sunday school class of adults prob 50ish-60ish. It would've been easy to be sarcastic and cynical about the things they were saying and the discussion. But PTL that something about the conversation hit home. The honesty and vulnerability. The realness was fresh and rejuvenating. It was like finally coming home after an exhausting trip. My friend later described it as walking into a hug.

The service was equally as moving. No lights, no ultra-contemporary music. The only people under 40 were in our group. It was beautiful. The entire thing.

One of the hymns' lyrics included: "Listen the prayers of your children, bring us love, bring us power, bring us peace." One of the things the pastor mentioned was about grief and dealing with loss. He also spoke about Job and his honesty with God.

Something about the service made humbled me. It was beautiful and heartfelt and real. My heart was at peace.


I had a wonderful conversation with my mother this past weekend about religion and politics. (how often do you hear that sentence?!) Afterwards I sat and thought about what a gracious Father I have..to give me such wonderful parents. The older I get the more thankful I am for my parents. If I'm ever a parent, I hope to bring to the table at least half of what they've given freely to me.


Right now, life is Green. (no, this is not a rip off of T. Swift's new album..or I guess it is an i'm pissed that I'm referencing her on my blog) It's not the flashy red or orange or yellow. It doesn't quite have the majesty of a deep purple or blue. But life isn't always attractive. Its not always about majesty and grace. Sometimes life is mediocre. But pain means we're alive.

Life is hard. God is good. Sometimes I let myself believe the lie that those are mutually exclusive things...God is good and life is still hard. Life is hard and God is still good.

I'm working, but more importantly than that, God is working in me.

It really hits me, sometimes, how much love He has for us. I hope to love more like Him tomorrow.

Bee Tea Dubs, I want to be a mom someday.

Here I Sit

So here I sit, in my new apartment.

Here I sit, with an alarm set at an incredibly ungodly hour to wake me up for another day in my new job.

Here I sit, in anticipation of the next (and final) CPA Exam score.

Here I sit, alone with my thoughts and my heavy heart.

Here I sit, in tears for the many things I've lost in the past three months.

Here I sit, in hope that the next few months bring about a fresh start in my life.


Here I sit, tired. Exhausted. Weary, Broken.

Here I sit. Waiting for something to make me happy again, knowing that happiness lies within and that I need help out of this hole that I feel like I've fallen into.

Here I sit, thankful for the strong relationship with my family--who has been my rock this summer.

Here I sit, the past behind me, the possibilities in front on me but here I sit, unable to move in either direction---paralyzed by my inadequacies.

Here I sit, with music and the desire to dance.

Here I sit today. But tomorrow I will stand.

I will stand and put one foot in front of the other and dare to move from my seat.

I refuse to be an audience member of my own life.

Things I'd rather do instead of studying

1) Finish at least one of the three books I'm in the middle of
2) Count to 653492801924. and then backwards.
3) Take a shower. One over 10 minutes long.
4) Get a pedicure.
5) Tell 4 jokes to an audience.
6) play 5 hours of 90s games on the original Super Nintendo
7) Watch Moonrise Kingdom again.
8) Clean my room
9) Shop for an apartment
10) Take the 5 glasses in my room downstairs to the dishwasher.
11) Make a chair out of the vintage suitcase i bought last month.
12) Call 3 friends I haven't talked to in weeks and catch up.
13) Pack a suitcase and see how long I can survive on the Appalachian trail
14) Go to the gym for 40 minutes.
15) Use the sparklers that I bought for 4th of July.
16) Wear a sundress
17) Buy a puppy
18) Do laundry
19) Take a nap
20) Make an orthodontist appointment to get a new retainer.
21) Jump off a cliff (see footnote one)
22) Bake Christmas cookies while listening to Nsync's "Happy Holidays"
23) So some basic Algebra problems
24) Hand-write letters to my favorite celebrities
25) Make a list of things I want to do instead of studying on my Blog.

FootnoteOne:Okay, that was a tad dramatic. But you should know I would jump off a cliff, given the fact that underneath me is some exotic ocean and I was sure I wouldn't die. . .

Moonrise Kingdom

GO YE THEREFORE AND WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!!

Into the Fray

So yesterday after I got out of probably the worst exam performances of my life, I went directly to A1) Chic Fil A and B2) The Red Box (at this really sketchy gas station down the street from my apartment...but it didn't matter. I was willing to fight the crazies for a little reprieve from the intense-stress-world I've been putting myself in)

I was looking for anything really, but I ended up with "The Grey" and some movie from like 10 years ago about the reality of love or something. I don't even know. I blame it on lack of sleep and the fact that Bradley Cooper's picture was on the front.

Anyway. I watched The Grey first, and good thing because it was pretty suspenseful and my coping skills (or lack thereof) really weren't prepared for all that ensued. Here's an image to help you realize what I had to endure.

It was nice to watching some thoughtless movie afterward and let my blood pressure return to normal.

Anyway.

There was this poem in The Grey that really intrigued me. After some quick iphone googling, I found that the director actually wrote this poem (which was kind of disappointing as I wanted to discover some really historic origin, but overall really impressive).

"Once more into the fray.
Into the last good fight I'll ever know.
Live and die on this day.
Live and die on this day."

When I think about how much I take my days for granted this poem reminds us to live each day as a life of its own. To be born with the morning and lay to rest at night. Living and dying each day is far from taking crazy risks and doing once-in-a-lifetime activities on a daily basis.

Rather, let us be reminded to live days worth being proud of. Choosing things to be thankful for. And remembering that we're not guaranteed the next.

----

Bee Tea Dubs: I'd also like to take a moment to let you guys know that i was really saddened to hear that Andy Griffith died recently. Matlock, you will forever be one of my heros.

Heartbreak Warfare

With a month and a half of clarity (that's a joke), I feel like I'm qualified to readdress the transition that I'm currently undergoing.

I don't think it takes the readers of this blog very long to know that I don't have much relationship experience. (Considering the fact that the people who read this blog are all my friends and know personally this information, I'm very confident about the prior statement.) I don't know much about love and haven't felt the sting of pain that is lost love either. That is, until May 12, 2012.

I have experienced my first heartbreak.

Before you get too excited (not that any of you have jumped to any conclusions or anything because, again, you all know me too personally) I should say that my lost love is college.

After four years of building a relationship, giving my mind, body and soul to the experience (maybe I should have used different words there?! oops.) I had to walk away.

Correction, I was forced to walk away. Because college broke up with me, not the other way around. After a rocky start, things heated up pretty quickly and we never looked back. That's not to say there weren't hard times. But college and I, we didn't give up on each other--we worked through them. We stayed up together all night in the library fighting it out and we had great make-up QT in the quad afterward.

In all seriousness. Driving away from my home that I loved so much (and still love) I actually said out loud "ouch". For the first time I thought I felt my heart physically hurting. I wondered, "Is this heartbreak?"

After talking to Jessica during one of our weekend wrap-ups I confirmed my symptoms. This was heartbreak, alright...and of the worst degree.

Now obviously I'm not that attached to just the name of the university I attended, nor even the education I received for that matter. But just like any "real" love story, there was a romeo and juliet and the experience (and mainly the people who created it) captivated me with its charm. (I hope you got the sarcasm RE: romeo...I couldn't even leave the possibility that you might misread that as me romanticizing. )

And then after sadness there was a kind of anger/jealousy about the fact that it's moving on without me. How could it treat me like we "never loved at all?" How can it do that--just act like we never happened. Here I am wasting so much wasted energy wishing that it'd come back to me, but it doesn't give me a second thought?!

Every song that comes on the radio reminds me of a memory we shared or a significant event in our relationship.

I still go to sleep at night still reminiscing on the "good times". And I wonder what the statue of limitations is on being able to do that without being completely lame.

Sigh, Must've been love. But it's over now.

"You Are Not Special: A Message for Graduates"